Bonehead's Progress Thread

Thanks Skeptical 1. It's just over 24 hrs since my op. I had an epidural because they didn't want to risk general anaesthesia because of the cold I had recently. I was conscious during the op, and one of the crew filmed a few minutes of it on my handycam.

It took 9 hours for the feeling in my legs to return, it felt horrible to be paralysed below the waist. After a dreadful first night of recovery I feel a lot better now. Except when I urinate, I wish they would put the catheter back in, oh my god, try burning your glans with a zippo and you might know how it feels.

FYI Bonehead - I moved these posts into a new thread so it would be easier for the forum members to keep up with.

I did fall asleep at the beginning, and was drowsy the whole way. Once the scaffolds were implanted Miro was off, it was Marta who did all the stitching. I'm unsure who did what before then. Miro is taking me to a hotel in the morning, I will ask him then. Before the op he said the scaffolds I brought with me from China were softer than those he uses from Korea. He couldn't say whether this was a negative, it seemed like he was prepping me to blame the scaffolds in case something went wrong.

Just about to urinate, wish me luck.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

Hey,

Good luck with the recovery! ...

I was also awake during my surgery! (that was my choice)... I wasn't drowsy at all ...I was very excited! It felt like being after 4-5 beers (sedative), so I was very relaxed... great mood immediately...

Miro was there all the time, but his two assistants were also doing something definitely...Marta was only taking pictures... I think that you should drink lots of water... or sth to make your urine less acidic...cause you have a burning sensation and urge to urinate due to a removal of catheter...

Oh my God what a few days it has been. Backtrack to Saturday night. I try to urinate, may as well be attempting to stab myself, I don't get anywhere. Try again, and again, each time crying out as loud as the last, swearing like a chart-topping rap artist.

I ask Miro for a local anaesthetic and he says you don't need that, you will be alright soon, give it time. I try to let go, but just can't, it feels that if I do my penis will explode. I call Marta at 10:30pm and ask for a local, she says you don't need it, drink lots of water, see you in the morning.

At this point I thought "Water, screw that". I'll wait until morning when my urethra repairs a bit more. Besides, I'm not gonna scream my head off peeing all night while the doctors are comfortably in bed. I want them to see how much it hurts me to be sure that it was 'normal'. Bravely I go again, but the pain is so excruciating, so horrible, I wouldn't even wish it on that cretin of an escort I was with last week. I google for pissing problems, can't see any cures, all I can find is more catheters or grinning and bearing it.

Around 2am I go and see the night nurse 'Vladko', a guy in his 60's. Vladko was doing exactly what one would expect of someone who'd spent years doing the rounds - he was sleeping. I wake him and determine that he barely speaks english, just enough for him to tell me to lower my voice in order that I don't wake the other patients. Unbelievable, this fucker wants me to piss through the agony, and, be quiet about it!

I go back into my room and try to put it out of my mind. I write some script. Good progress there, solve some nagging plot problems. About 5am, the bladder pain is very annoying. Into the bathroom again, more crying out loud, no urine. I drink 4 glasses of water, nothing, wake Vladko, he can't do nothin' and I should wait to see doctor at 7am. I go into bed. Start to panic, what if I need a new catheter, trapped forever on a pissy-go-round.

Vladko comes in, attempts to insert a new drip. I tell him to piss off, no more liquids until I a see a doctor. I offer him 200 euro fix me up somewhow. He leaves. My stomach is bloating, I decide to go into the bathroom with all my doonas, blankets and pillows, and I position myself so I am lying on the floor, dick in the shower. I let the urine flow slowly up to the tip where it burns as usual, it is difficult to hold now, I try to let it out, my muscles contract and it starts dribbling out. I get up on my knees, aim into the shower, and find that I can get it out if I control it drop by drop. A few teaspoons later I sink to floor, lay down and feel a tiny bit relieved.

I lay there awhile, then Vladko comes in, actually seems a little concerned, puts his hand on my shoulder and suggests I go back to bed. I say no, wait for the doctor. It then dawns on me that I can lay on the bed like this with a bedpan or something. Vladko comes in, I suggest this to him and he brings me one. On the bed now still nothing coming out, for some reason I feel I would be more comfortable back in the bathroom. Back in there now, try more expulsion, nothing, Vladko, is Miro coming I ask, he nods, it's now 7:15am. I wait a few minutes and start phoning Miro and Marta, no answer either.

7:45am, it's business as usual at the clinic, everyone up, me down. I snap, yelling so all can hear me "I'm sick of this shit. I need a doctor. I don't care anymore what time it is, or who I wake up, I want a doctor here now or I will call an ambulance. I don't care if you think I'm a sook or I'm being difficult, I want something done, no more, I've had enough!" By this stage Vladko has joined me and is conceding. He motions me to calm down, he will get Miro.

I could kill everyone in Serbia, fuck it, Croatia too, what's that other joint? Bosnia? They're on the list. Then I laugh, ground zero, backed up in a Belgrade bathroom, banged up schlong dangling into the shower, what a joke. And then Vladko comes in, it's Marta on the phone, joy I think, she likes me and flirts with me, now she'll show she cares. Wrong. Can't do anything she says, another catheter, that's it. Still on the phone with Marta, what about a local, Vladko comes in with another phone, it's Miro. I farewell hero to zero Marta, and now get Miro who says no problem, he will fix it, he will get Vladko to give me LOCAL then be in at 9am to see me. Huh? A few minutes later, Vladko arrives, and injects a small amount of liquid gel into my urethra. He leaves. Another few minutes go by, I feel the glans numbing a little, not much, but enough to detect. I stand up to pee. It still hurts like a bitch, BUT, it is manageable, and, I empty my bladder. I go back to bed.

Then I think what the god-damn dog-gone dick-nose ass-bitch fuck-face shit-fuck was that all about? Was it something I said? Is this gel so rare they need Indiana Jones to find it? Penis envy perhaps?

Miro arrives an hour late, I ask him. He says they followed standard medical procedure. In rare cases local anaesthesia is used but can further complicate the issue as the anaesthesia itself swells the area, narrowing the urethra, and slowing the recovery process. Okay, sounds logical enough.

Next it was time to examine my bing-bang. Miro watches as Marta and the day nurse unwrap the dressing and uncover a disgusting bloodied mess that would have looked better placed in haggis than attached to my groin. For a moment I think I will have to become a transsexual. Marta lets out a sigh of alarm, then quickly recomposes herself as Miro feels his way around the shaft. Does this hurt he asks, no I say, this hurt, no, this, no. It's normal says Miro, no infection. As they redo the dressing I slump back into my pillow, what have I done? After my op last year there was no bruising at all, my skin tone was perfectly fine after 3 days. It's BEAUTIFUL says Miro. They give me 3 vials of local, antiobiotics and other meds, and then are off, don't worry bonehead!

The remainder of my St Medica stay is okay, when I need to go I use the local, sure there is narrowing, it burns as usual but the craziness is over. I hope. Miro in particular is very good since that morning, he fulfills all my requests, including 2 more days in St Medica, and always refuses the extra euros I offer him to make it all happen.

Am driven to Hotel M by Miro's personal cab driver Jorge, on the way we see a stray dog, who wants to cross the road. He walks up to an empty pedestrian crossing and goes onto it. The dog slows near halfway, waits for the approaching car to give way, and crosses in front. Cool. Taxi driver Jorge dodges all the potholes and manholes like all Belgrade taxi drivers do, I wonder why, to protect the suspension I always think. Jorge goes slightly fast over a speedbump. Sorry, sorry, sorry he says. Ah, passenger comfort is why. Now into Hotel M, resting, hopefully over the biggest speedbump.

I feel compelled to say I am not a hypochondriac, I'm far more likely to suckup the pain and hide ailments. I workout, I do 1hr cardio sessions... okay sometimes. Saturday I was a statistical anomaly, in a no man's land that standard medical procedure failed. I am happy to extend the manageable pain period by a few days rather than endure that night of madness again.

Now, could you imagine how much I might whine if I was REALLY in pain!!! Haha Hope you enjoyed the story guys. Sadists.